A few weeks ago, I diagnosed myself as functionally depressed. Here's why:
I am on prayer watch in my home, meaning I'm normally the person awake somewhere between midnight and 4 am to pray. I could not drag myself out of bed to cover my family and friends in prayer.
I love to be outside and active. I typically workout five to six days a week, and I relish a fast paced three mile walk. Going to the gym became a chore, as I felt weaker and weaker. I blamed this on my diet and getting older. And a walk? I felt like all I had in me was a stroll.
So, essentially I was too exhausted to pray during the night and too weak to move as much as I wanted during the day. And I was feeling so, so sad about this.
What was playing in the background was another growing problem.
About a month ago, I had what seemed to be an innocuous issue with my tooth, one with a crown. My bite seemed off. I thought perhaps something was stuck, but all my efforts to remove what might have been there were in vain. And then there was a bump. I made a dentist appointment (I do love a good cleaning), and after my teeth were looking photo worthy, the dentist confirmed I had an abcess and would require a root canal. 😳
At first I was offended and then indignant. Me? I don't need a root canal. I have good dental hygiene. My teeth are healthy. I determined I was not getting a root canal. I committed to going home and trying all natural remedies and methods to remove bacteria from my mouth.
I tried oil pulling. I bought clinical Listerine. I gargled with warm salt water and peroxide. And all these helped for a while. I started noticing improvement when I was able to oil pull for longer periods. And then...the abscess got bigger, more prominent. And I knew I had to move to a higher form of care. I was going to have to go back to the dentist...for the root canal.
So I asked God to help me through it. I asked my dentist to make no mistakes (those consents on what could go wrong are disconcerting). I pulled up my audiobook and settled in. And it was fine. I was super numb and there was drool, but I was fine.
And what's better is...on the next day came renewal. Whereas for a whole month before, I'd struggled to get out of bed in the morning for regular waking hours, let alone prayer hours - the day after the procedure, I felt great. Light, Energetic.
I worked out. I've walked more miles over the next three days than I had in the last month. I have no doubt that I can attribute my renewed strength to actively treating the infection that was growing in my mouth.
While I felt like the onset was sudden, my dentist told me that from the X-rays, the bacteria affecting my root had been developing for some time. This concerned me. What was I doing wrong to require a root canal? She reassured me that it was not lack of hygiene on my part, but it could have been attributed to cavity fillings from my childhood or how the crown was seated years ago. In short, it happens. There was no need to find fault.
All this made me see parallels in our emotional health. One day, something starts to weigh us down. We think it is nothing major, something we can handle on our own. We try our own remedies - Girls' Night, a massage, a glass of wine, a retreat, a bubble bath. But then the something gets heavier. We feel anxious, angry, disconnected.
We start to lose ourselves and try to accept that we're changing. But deep down, we know, or we should know, that our true self is being held hostage by our injured self. If we're willing to acknowledge that the injury, wound, ailment is zapping our energy, we can find the best treatment, target the problem and return to being whole.
Here are some questions for you to ponder:
So...have you noticed that you're not yourself?
Has functional depression become a part of your life?
Do you remember who you are and what it feels like to be you?
Are you blaming yourself for feeling down or the changes you're experiencing?
Know that the route back to your truest self is accessible.
Be patient. Be compassionate. Be observant. Be active in finding the right treatment.
Check in with the professionals who can help. As a mental and emotional health professional, I see a lot of needs that stem from things related to our emotions, but I recognize that our physical, oral, and spiritual health are big pieces of our wellness puzzle. May sure you address all when you examine yourself.
Wishing you blessings in wellness,
~Ashley
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